Are You There God?
Deconstructing religion and reconstruction myself
Picture this: You’re 12 years old, and you’ve got your Bible, rosary, and Sunday best. But wait, what’s this?
It’s the smell of existential doubt, agnosticism, atheism, and the realisation that perhaps you don’t truly believe in God.
And so the Catholic to Atheist to Agnostic Pipeline begins — Why does everything life-changing happen at 12 years old ?!
Religion isn’t just a nice hat that you can take off and hang up at the end of the day. It’s deeply ingrained in who we are, how we think, and how we interact with the world.
“Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.’ My mother says it's important to talk to God. I don’t know if I believe in God, but I really want to talk to someone.”
As I sat in mass at 12, fidgeting in my seat, I desperately sought some sign of divine connection, some indication that I was feeling what I was "supposed" to feel. But all I could think was, "Is this it? Is this what faith is supposed to be like?,' Maybe I’m just too much of a sceptic to connect with God, with religion.
I then decided to step away from religion and subscribe to atheism instead. Suddenly, I felt like I could finally be honest with myself about what I believed—or didn’t believe. It was liberating, and a little bit scary.
Then, the angst that come with deconstructing your belief system start to creep in….
Concepts that once felt solid and reassuring now seemed uncertain. It's not just my own beliefs that get questioned. What if I was wrong? Could there be a divine entity watching over me, guiding me through life? What if I was missing out on some cosmic plan that I couldn’t see?
And just when I thought I had reached the depths of my existential crisis, a beacon of hope emerged…..Agnosticism. It’s is a comfortable middle ground, a way of saying “I don’t know”. It’s atheism’s cooler, more chilled-out friend.
It wasn't a rejection of all belief or a return to certainty; instead, it was an embrace of uncertainty —acknowledging that we don’t and maybe can't know for sure if there's a god or a higher purpose to our existence.
This pipeline taught me a lot about living in the grey areas and accepting that life can’t always be categorised as black or white.
“Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowing how to live with insecurity is the only security.” - John Allen Paulos
So what does it mean to accept uncertainty and how do you do it?
It means learning to live comfortably with questions that may never have definitive answers and finding peace in that ambiguity. It’s a VERY hard pill to swallow but a rewarding acceptance at best.
3 ways I like to accept uncertainty when I’m feeling anxious:
Acknowledge that life is unpredictable and learn to be okay with it.
Focus on the present: Control what you can, like your thoughts and actions.
Practice mindfulness: Take 5 minutes to simply reflect on your emotions without judgment or justification.
About my religious beliefs, Are you there God? It’s me…
If not, that’s okay.
